Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
