and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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