I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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