If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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