Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
