A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
