so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Two words: nipple clamps
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
