you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
