The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
