I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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