My friends, they love my intelligence
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize