Please, let me fuck your mom
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
this is an emotional support booty call
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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