I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
