Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
