peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
