been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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