I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize