I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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