Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
