from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
