Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
...so i touched it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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