Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
