hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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