i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
