just tell him i said nine months
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
