I'm so fucking centered right now
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize