That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
