Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
