Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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