there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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