Operation Purity has been aborted
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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