got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
