Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
