Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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