Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
