please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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