Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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