She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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