I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
