I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
