Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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