and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
