is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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