I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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