Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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