i love accidental penises.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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