I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
