My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
