I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
