Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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