Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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