Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize