I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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