new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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