The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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