How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
