So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize