The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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