Someone shit on the floor
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
