I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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