Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
