i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
